Disappointed with me and myself

I guess she would be disappointed too..
After so many years of nurturing me in both pri and sec sch..
I still ended up the way she warned me.

She used to put most of her focus on me..
During breaks, she would ask me to stay back and practice more with her.
1 to 1 coaching used to be a torture, until i understand her motive.
She wanted me to be a good player.
Well, i cant say i'm good but at least i'm the better few in my well..tpco.
nothing proud to tell her.. but well.
maybe that's why i'm..sorta avoiding her now.
and my kind teacher is noooot helping at all~
she's making me to drop by my instructor's house and pick up the maroon casing that i wan.
She's totally not helping ):
I shall brace myself and drop by SOON..

Perhaps i'm too used to ppl being disappointed with me..
Those words kept repeating..
Everywhere, every moment..

No matter how used i am.. it still hurts to know that ppl that you are concern about, are disappointed in you..
It's like piercing my heart with a sharp knife..

I still wonder.. why did i allow myself to drink, to smoke, to cut.. to do so many stupid things..
Why..

Loves,
Caitlin