Aim

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_n1EYlwAVs

shall master this well ):
hopefully..

Pain of loss

Went to read your twitter just now..
guess she still matters alot to you, even if you keep denying.
i understand that a year plus of relationship is not easily forgotten..
after what you've guys been through.
I may not be your 'friend' for the past years..but trust me, i know.

Wanted to text you and ask you to cheer up, but i stopped.
why should i ask you to cheer up when no one was there for me when such things happen..
just a couple of real friends..
but still i have friends who laugh at me for falling sick.
and i have your 'friends', sluts who laugh at our breakup.
but i didn't tell them why we broke up.
let them laugh all they wan, because i still rather you leave than me regretting my choice.
as said, i'm not as slutty as them.
say so much also no use, but yeah.. trust me, i know the real reason.
haha.

i wonder if you really feel the pain i felt that time.

the reason why i can text you normally is because,
I've changed my perspective in life..
I wont be as easily bullied as last time.
I believe building up my wall would be easier and better for me.
so dont try to break down this wall and leave like nothing has happened.
your scoldings still remain in my mind ever since you first said them..
you scolded me for not being able to voice myself,
you scolded me for not being able to express my emotions.
yeah, i still fail to do so.
no matter how hard i try, i still end up forgiving them.. giving them chances after chances..
i know that they dont deserve it, but still i help them..
my colleague always scold me for being too soft-hearted.
can you blame me for it?

because i dont wan people to be disappointed, i make myself run three jobs..
although i could have quitted two of them..
and now, i joined a low pay job because i think the bosses are nice..
but it's really too little to keep myself surviving this economic..
but still, i can't bear to quit.
although i dislike that woman alot alot alot.

was telling my girlfriend bout me making up my mind and quit TeaTozz..
but she only tell me back one sentence,
'aiya, you always say wan quit also never quit. same as your gongcha.'
wad to do !!
i can tell her that i'm going to quit TeaTozz, but the next moment i told her that i put it on hold.
SIGH, wad to do?
i really enjoyed working with Karim and the other staffs, that's why I can't bear to quit.
@#$%^&*
whatever.
I still have to make up my mind over Gongcha and TeaTozz.
apparently i can't work for both. -.-
but tbh, if i were to choose, i would choose Gongcha.
c'mon, gongcha offers me 8/hr while TeaTozz offers me 5/hr.
if you're someone who's paying her own school fees and various expenses, which job would you prefer?
and gongcha allows me to work at night..
so, i can work in the day too.
isn't even better for me?
i mean sleep is important lurh, but it can wait till september holiday isn't it?
Bear for two more months jiu can le, why not?

Sighh.. we'll see how.
still gotta consider bout my academic work too.
shall turn in now, if not i'ld be damn tired tomorrow..

errrmmm..

School is starting this coming afternoon..
and I'm meeting my girls for lunch in school later.
I know I should be asleep now, but I'm just too reluctant to turn back and lie on bed..
gotta switch on my alarms for tomorrow.
and i just realised how to set my phone's alarms just now. hehe.

Looking forward to 2.2, or rather; looking forward to September.
Not only am i turning 18..I'm looking forward to Europe's trip.
Actually, i just look forward to leaving this place.
and since i'm paying for the entire trip myself, i would definitely spend on my own earnings..

this holiday was not fruitful, earned less than 500 although i targetted 1k.
thanks to TeaTozz.
well, not a bad thing that i joined TeaTozz..but the pay is simply too low for my standard.
I know I might sound like one money-eyed bitch, but seriously..
one thousand dollars to save by September isn't very easy.
well well, shall clear the money i borrowed from my friend first.
hehe.
hate owing ppl's money, but still better than borrowing my parents' money..
shall settle the school's fee next.
my edusave's alrdy zero.
and my bank is definitely not enough for the deduction.
shall wait till the bursary enters my bank and then i pay the school fee..
regarding next semester's school fees.. hmmm..
we shall see.. :x

Guess this year gonna consume alot of cash, damn..
bursary is soooo not enough.
well well.. we'll see..

These two weeks been working like crazy.
but tbh, i should have just sticked to 2 jobs.
day and night job.
well..
i guess TeaTozz can be put on hold, since they are cutting down on manpower too..
sighhh, whatever they wan ba.
can't stand that full timer.
experienced auntie, seriously? .__.
i think i know more things than her.
if you dont trust me, then dont ask me.
if you ask me, then dont doubt me.
not that i wanna give trouble, but she's making my life miserable there.
if i didn't think about the two bosses..i would have not give a damn and left long ago.
as you know my temper, i do not tolerate such people.
which is also why i choose to work night shifts..cos at least there are hours that i dont have to see her face. -.-
and now she's changing to later shifts..
totally dont feel like working.
she like a lady boss, bossing me around like that. -.-
everything use 'boss nvr say can, boss nvr say this, boss nvr say that' and make me shut up.
seriously, even when boss say can.. you around meh? i tell you, equals to waste my energy and my time.
Seriously.
boss boss boss boss boss boss boss boss.
your son uh? boss here and there. -.-
damn irritating i swear.
but if you ask me to really choose between gongcha and teatozz..
i would choose gongcha for the pay, but teatozz for the staffs without Alice.
-.-
tbh, work was fun! until she came rudely.
whatever, *roll eyes*

shall work 2 nights and 1 day now, since school has alrdy started.
unless anyone wanna support me? haha !
kidding~
planned to work on Friday and Saturday nights and saturday afternoons..
erhu lesson jiu.. sat morning or sun morning ba :x
shall see..
sighhh..

Shall turn in for school le :x

Holiday in work mode

Guess my life is just so boring yeahh..
nothing much has happened since the last time i updated..
off to work alrdy ! hehe.

16 June,
Rest in peace dear.
i'm sorry for everything i did to you, blame it on my immature and my childishness.
yi lu zhou hao, xia bei zi zai zuo wo de ye ye hao ma?

Fuck my life.

You think i dont wanna move out of this place?
i seldom feel my existence here, do you know that?

With the money you give me as allowance.. yeah, that's my care and concern from my parents.
you think it's all i need?
i dont even get a listening ear.

How was i brought up? in my own point of view..
independence with restricted freedom.

I've never once complained or whined about how poor we are or how unstable  our income is..
because all these nvr mattered to me before, not even now.
I just wan all of us to be together as a family.
the only time we get to have a meal as a family is during Reunion dinner.. and now?
people leave straight after they finish their meal..
nobody sits at the table and have a long chat anymore..
this isn't the family i wanna see and wad i wanna have.

You say i'm rebellious, but have you ever thought why the mature little girl from young changed till wad she is today?
were you there when she was in her lowest point of life?
do you know what she've been through?
do you know the reasons for some of her actions?

no, you dont.
you dont know any of them..

do you know the days i hide in my room and cry?
cutting myself and drinking bottles of cough mixtures?
no mum, you dont.

in fact, you dont know wad kind of person i am on the inside.
what you see if just the rebellious self.

during exam period, wad do you see?
you see me going out everyday till late night..
wad was i doing? slacking, playing and fooling around.
no ! i was studying, i was mugging at elsewhere..
do you know how hard i studied?
you dont !
O levels wasn't considered very easy, and you dont know anything.
all you know is me, going out and playing !

everytime i make you angry, you'ld ask me to move out, ask me to jump down.
wad else?
you think all these never cross my mind before?
you made them cross my mind over and over and over again..
you think i've never considered jumping down the building?
you think i've never thought about ending my life?

i know i'm useless, in alot of areas.
i'm not a good girl, i'm not filial..
i'm stubborn, i'm rebellious..
and i'm everything that you dont wan in a child.
but still, i had faith in you..
and in your eyes, i'm nothing but a failure.

exam has no more purpose..
future has no more purpose..

my life is redundant.
i know, i know i'm redundant..

i must have been an mistake.

the fault is always me..

Quick update before the start of the week

It feels like ages since i've updated. D:
or perhaps i'm just getting older ! omg ):
nothing much has happened so far..

boring life, haha.

Finally met my darling yesterday, after so long ):
we went woodlands mart for a meal..well, we dont follow the 3 meals :x
then we had a combo meal~~ and our fries? nearly one big full packet there :x
then we went to the minimart opp my place, then the uncle disiao me >.<
say my ex-bf went to ask bout me a few days back.
oh pls~ we were just close friend.
heard that he's in the police force now, haha.. not bad not bad~
then we went back to my place and waited for my mum to finish brewing the soup..
cos i promised her that i'ld be home for soup before leaving house at night D:
so..we ended up having our second partial meal..
and we headed my workplace to find my colleagues~
then slacked awhile, fooled awhile then we all cabbed to serangoon garden for supper, aka ChompChomp ! :D
Hehe, the food there not bad ! :p
didn't pay anything for the food, cos my ass. manager paid all.. her bday's today, so she treated everyone~ :x
hehe, then they cabbed me and my darling home. jiu Home Sweet Home :D

oh ya, we went amk hub to get my contact lenses first :p
cos the smart me, lost my specs..somewhr~~
and this time, i chose brown and my darling chose blue for me :x
though i wanted purple, but listen to her lo :p
hehee !
turned out not bad !
damn innocent colour, hehe !

Term test starting today, no fun for a week!
fret not, cos next week is gonna be a blast !  :D