Playing with the fire of music

My goal in poly.. was not to finish my diploma,
but to finish at least grade 5 of my music theory..
and it seems like i'm failing..
i haven started on any grades yet !
omg, damn waste time !
But Ziyang say he dont mind teaching me theory :D

Speaking of him, went to watch his solo performance on Saturday night..
He paid for my tix though, hehe.
not bad hurhh, but the others abit sian..
cos not close with those who were performing..
Well, wadeva~

Met up with him before the whole concert~
then gave him a flower bear, hehe.
Zitong and i bought for him de~ *evil laughter*
chatted awhile jiu saw YongSiang, hahas.
the irritating one, hahaha !!
then we went in le~
after concert, chatted awhile jiu head home~
but Zitong and i hungry, so we went jurong east station to have dinner :p
eat, chat, drank..jiu home sweet home :p

TBH, Ziyang's progression very fast..
unlike mine, sigh..
am too lazy le ):
he like so on for music ! and he totally got the talent.

i..? little passion, little talent, no hardwork.
yeah, that's me for the past years..
probably the reason why she chose others over me..
it's okayy~ i believe my teacher has faith in me.
i hope :x
sometimes humans are just so fake..
idk, i dont dare to judge ):
idk the truth.
idk how i play.

urghhh, forget it.

In the eyes of mine, i think that a player who has expert level of grading..
is someone who is able to sight read most scores with little difficulty and is able to play all notes so wonderfully.

i guess, i dont deserve my certs now ):
sighhh..

Stoning on my first day of school

Today is 23rd April.
Well, you can see from the post right..
yeahh, school has officially started.

Actually, i find it okay.
Maybe just not the waking up part..
and the practice part.
Restrictions make my passion die.
What is music with restriction?
Have you ever seen a performer performing with a metronome and a tuner?
Olivia Ong is one who can be famous despite her poor rhythm.
Seriously..yeahh, i like music..so?
Forcing one to attend is like stupid.
Yeah, blame myself yeahh.
if i'm smarter, i wouldn't have used special admission to get into this bloody course.
then nobody can force me to turn up for practice.

Seriously.

Trust me, the day i graduate.. i will never return to the orchestra.
totally not my standard to compare.
the worse in the three.

okay, whatever.
if daryl is still around, i might still not mind..
but he's not going to attend anymore despite being retained for another sem ! ):

uhhh..okay. next.

my friend from my prev external orchestra asked if i can help him to perform for Vesak celebration..
so i said i dont mind..
now he can't confirm this, can't confirm that.
wad you wan me do?
wait like a dog for nothing?
he dont even have the scores with him, wtf am i supposed to do. -.-
c'mon lurh, you are the one organising and you are the one showing me your fkup attitude.
wad you wan from your performer? -.-
it's charity work, free of charge work kay?
not your student, junior or wadeva.
dafuq, at least behave like an organiser lurh.
even if you're not, you are the one who invited us and you have no details. -.-
then daduq you wan us to do? blank out the whole day for your wadeva evening performance and suffer under the hot weather and play? -.-

Alright, i'm done with blogging.

Gonna continue to stone here in library till 6 something then head for PRACTICE. .___.

Till then.

PMS PMS PMS

Probably too much to handle alone..
breaking down is just a matter of time, haha..

Work at Gongcha was horrible..
The current supervisor, previously colleague, is totally breathing down my neck and expecting my speed to be on top form when i've stopped for months..
and times when i'm sure i'm right about the SOP, she scold me and say as the supervisor.. she say like that is correct means is correct.
Just because she's bad mood and she's having headache..
Seriously? You think i'm your pet hurh?
got quite pissed when she told me not to do this this this then she do it that way.. -.-
If you wanna compare knowledge on SOP and products, try me.
You started last year mid-end, think i can't remember? Seriously.

and the pinoy there, is totally a great friend of MBS pinoys'.. -.-
seriously..
another dumb bitch who started last year end.
All hot beverages are one and half everything irregardless which syrup.
Yeahh, please revise your SOP.. FULL timer.
and yeahh, she say i'm wrong.
*roll eyes* whatever.

texted boss saying that today will be my last day of work..
and guess wad?
there's no resignation form in that shop and i have to go there AGAIN to find a bloody form to quit? you fking kidding me?
not like your pay very high, still demand so much.
c'mon, your SENIOR pay is barely the basic pay of other bubbletea shops can? and only YOUR shops got so many PINOYS !
sluts.

Ended work with my friend who just joined M1 as a part timer, sending me a sms.
he mentioned smth bout a full timer laughed at me because i didn't know that Bishan's outlet closes at 10pm.
yeahh, how would i know that your two shops starts at the same time but ends at different time? -.-
then he refuse to disclose who that colleague is and wad exactly that person say.
okay fine.

On the way home, my colleague called me and tell me to report to Bishan's outlet tomorrow..
when i'm supposed to report to AMK's outlet..
dafuq man.
then my friend report to AMK outlet, wth !
totally fucked up uh. -.-
which means i'm ending work at 10pm, seriously.. -.-

i totally feel like breaking down in the train already uh..
tears were already at the corner of my eyes, dafuq man.
i damn weak, i tell you !
first time!
must be PMS !
okay fine..
then Weijie texted me if i okay, why my twitter like so fierce.
then he say he meet me at cwp go walk walk awhile then go home..
i anything lo..
then he bring me to basement to see what i wan get for dinner..
in the end, only he ate..
he jitao nag me.
lalala~
then i had the urge to eat curry~
then no stock, walao !
jitao sian.

meet my girlfriend after walking around causeway point~
then we went 888 bought curry chicken, hehehe !
on the way home..
she told me, her workplace got new part timer..
she suddenly tell me this, means is i might know that person uh..
so i told her, i know one hurh?
first thought, roxanne..
haha!  used-to-be sister..
we dont like her after that..
then i dont wan guess le..
she told me daryl.
i was thinking.. junior uh?
cannot be wad.
then she told me, 'your ex.'
i totally stun.
jitao stun on the ground, then i stare at her.

this time mad liao.
jitao shout wadthefuck till home.
crazy uh i tell you..

when at home..
she used my laptop and did her resume..
then i whatsapp-ed Darren all the way..
spammed him abit then feel abit bad..
so i spammed my gf instead..
haha, spammed and laughed till i cry..
then i go bathe.
seriously..
the feeling's abit like those nights when i clear bottles after bottles of cough syrup..
tears of sadness while laughing hard.
ironic expression..
what can i do?

i'm not a very strong girl, no longer as strong as i thought i was..
after she left, i totally broke down..
i know crying has no use..
but at least i feel abit better.

what other things can you add in?
add all you want.
drown me with all these troubles..
i wont collapse, not so soon..
worse come to worse, i'll just end up with my bad habits again only..
not much of a big deal..
hahahahaha..


blame everything on PMS, yeahh.. it must be because of PMS.
everything will be fine soon.
Cheer up dear! hahahaha..

Love,
DS.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phone went abit crazy today..
slipped off my hands 3 times today and got its back and/or battery off..

then i received a sms which i sent to myself as a 'diary' on my mobile..
and i sent it to myself on 28 March.. and i got no more record on that day..
creepy?

this is the sms:
"sitting at the exact spot two years ago..
this is the place we last separated.
that fine day , u broke up over a text..all of a sudden.
from that day onwards, we live like strangers..
occasionally flirting, as and when you want..or rather, when you're bored.
since that day, my life changed.
not far behind me is the place we first met..
our first arguement was, the difference between a t-shirt and a shirt..
to be honest, i still do not know the difference.
but i know something has changed for the past two years.
i've stopped cutting myself but overdosing has not stopped, yet.
i've started drinking and i'm quite over you.
the little feeling left is just the basic care and concern i have for everyone.
take care, you."

yeahh, speaking of this..
the last place, or rather the last shop we visited together is the 'Couple Lab' at Tampines 1.
that's the reason why i dont like to patronise couple lab :x

I keep wondering.. if he knew that we're going to break up that evening.. why offer to get us a couple lab ring? and you know, they dont come cheap..

i always wondered..unless, he gets one for every relationship he broke off.. as an award, a trophy?
hahaha, some sort i guess?
maybe..
hmmm...

(:

Tell me the answer

Keep thinking about everything that's going on in my life..
is it worth to do this, is it worth to do that?
are these friends real?
do those promises exist?

why are the tears flowing?

i'm still the same old me.
still unable to settle down my emotions,
still unable to voice my feeling..
why do you have to tell me?
why can't i live in denial?

i hate myself.

i torture myself,
to make me not think of anything else..
that's why i sleep late..
because if i dont do something to distract myself till i'm tired,
i know i can't fall asleep..
honestly, nobody knows me very well now..
or perhaps, my mask is just too real.. hahas.

whenever i tell people that i'm going to sleep, and the time is rather early..
90% of them are fake, and i end up thinking nonsense till i really fall asleep..hours later.
if not, i'll be doing things i dont wish to do..or crying.

dont ever doubt me.
if i care about you, i lie for your own good..
because i dont want people to be worried.
i dont want them to be upset or whatever..the only emotion i want to see is happiness.

today passed quite fast..
i'm mostly half-conscious..
even now.
to be honest, i dont really know what i'm talking about..
the whole day, my mind seems to be in drunken state.
i didn't drink, serious!
dont even a sip.
maybe just too tired ba..
i can't stand at the same place for long, my vision will start to sway..
haha, the feeling quite cool uh..
haha. it's cool.

had dinner at Jcube with Zitong, Veron and Ian.
while waiting for the food, i took out my punchcard and counted the hours i've worked since 19 Apr..
194.5 hours, cool?!
tomorrow, or rather today..is the last day of work included in my payslip.
then it would be over 200.
cool?
haha..

tbc.

If i'm a guy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWpsOqh8q0M&ob=av3e

If only uhh..

I swear my girlfriend would be the happiest girl living in the world.

Yesterday, i went to bank in both shop's money at AMK hub..and went Couple Lab to collect my colleague's order.

Hate the feeling of patronising Couple  Lab.
always have that feeling whenever i see their shop.
it will remind me of what i should not remember.
maybe i will remember for life..

I wonder what's going on in their mind..
Not all girls can be bought with money, acts and gifts.
okayy, maybe i shouldn't generalise..
i mean, idk if that girl of his is actually such but..i feel abit that way lo.
maybe she's more worth his attention and whatever,
or maybe she allows him to do what he wants to do..while i didn't allow.
but i will not regret my choice.
I should be glad he dumped me because i know i will change my mind one day.
i will not commit that mistake.

Honestly, i really dont know why i'm so nice..or i should say stupid?
let me ask you.
If your ex wants to buy something but is unable to get it during the promotion period..will you help? If yes, would you still choose to help if you know that the thing is going to be a gift for your ex's new bf/gf?
yeahh, i did.
i took a trip to city, searched high and low for the specific model and colour, paid with my own money, travelled to pass to him, saw him passed it to his gf, saw them kissed, saw them hugged, and saw them making out..
haha, stupid right?
yeahh, as long as he's happy..i'm contented.
even though my heart was ripping and i was holding back my tears.
i went to walk around before heading home..
on the way to interchange, i saw his gf smoking while he went to find 'our daughter' - my closest friend then.
what surprised me was..he told me that he hate smokers.
yeahh, indeed.
and..that girl's the same age as me.
ha ha ha, okayy..
anyway, that's not the point..
the point was the camera i bought for him that was meant for her..
yeahh..
still remember that day..
when i told the promoter there, he stared at me and asked 'are you crazy?'
then he talked like very angry and ya da ya da, then i shocked and stare at him.
he talked like my friends, exclaiming how crazy he is to ask me to buy and how insane i am to travel from woodlands to city to buy for him..
haha, nice guy. and hehe, he help me reserve a PURPLE cam till the last day..
although he said that it's hot selling and it's running low already.
he really helped me reserve, even though i didn't leave my name and/or number.
when i went to purchase on the last day of the IT fair, the staff was shocked to find one last purple cam although that model was announced to be out of stock on the second day.
damn happy can !
yeahh, perhaps this is what they meant by '好人有好报'~ :p

Anyway~
i was saying.. haha!
if i'm a guy, i would never force my girl into things she dont wan to do.
unless it's overboard lurhh..
i would spare thoughts for her and be a little more sensitive towards her feeling.
i would make her trust me so much that she would never harbour the thoughts of me flirting with other girls, even if just going out with a female friend alone.
i would give her small surprises every now and then, i would make her feel loved.
i will remember every details about our relationship, and i will give her a memorable celebration on every special ocassion.
no matter how busy i am, i would spare moments to meet her, call her and text her.

if only i'm a guy, my girlfriend might be weeping tears of joy every month..

If only..

Even if we do separate, i promise i would make it clean and not give her any hints that we might have any chance to be together again..unless we choose to be tgt again uh.

Honestly, the most cruel thing in a breakup is not the breakup..
but the guy/girl constantly dropping hints that they might have a chance to patch back.
Like, texting him/her and remind them of the happy memories and saying that they miss the other party.

Bullshit.

Loves,
DS.

Good deed done.

The unknown happy feeling is damn awesome.
actually i didn't do anything much, but i feel damn happy !

Ended work early to meet my BB peeps for dinner at Jcube today !
supposed to meet for Taiwan food but the queue was SERIOUSLY long !
damn crazy uh !
so we changed to a small Jap restaurant at the basement..
food quite average only, not worth the price..even though we had a 10% discount.
had the curry smth smth, the curry not bad~
then they had this bit of appetiser on my curry..
tried one and it tasted like spinach or smth, dont like :x
so i threw most of it to darren's bowl.
hehehe.
then he threw it to zitong's bowl.
yay, clear :D

after dinner jiu went to shop for a little while..
then we headed to Kungfu Paradise at level 1.
we ordered their oreo cheesecake, two double espresso, one creme brulee and three glass of water..
and they took arnd 30 minutes to serve us these FEW things..
the food didn't turn out well too..
very disappointed with their quality.
and we ended up submitting a feedback form.
then we went home straight after that..
when we were chatting and stuffs, zitong kept  hugging me and chat..
that feeling very comforting.. haha.
i'm not a les, and i will never be a les ! dont get me wrong!!
sighh..

Anyway, back to my first topic !
after i ended work today, i walked to amk station as usual..
then suddenly i saw a group of guys surrounding this guy with his erhu..
that guy is a busker lurh..
initially i tot that the sch boys were interested in it,
then when i walked nearer..i realised that they were fixing his string..
and they were fixing it wrongly !
so i went over and asked if they need any help..
then they say that one of the guys is pro in it..
then i stun..in the way that he is fixing..pro? -.-
i just told him straight, err.. i got grade 7 cert for this.
then i fixed the string, tuned properly then i left to meet my colleague alrdy..
but i felt very happy for helping that blind busker fix his string ~ hehehe !

Losing my passion slowly..
Still can't find that feeling back.

Will i be able to complete my grading this year?
Should i join the competition?
sighhh..
wad's my future..

I need another hug ):

Nobody understands, not even me.

Actually, i dont like to talk alot..
i dont like crowded places.

I like peace.
I like to sit down and enjoy the breeze while the stars continue to shine and the trees gently sway.
I like to be alone, if i'm not..then i'ld like the comfortable silence.

If you think i'm someone who likes to party alot, then you're wrong..
i dont like loud music, i dont like to drink, i dont like to be surrounded by people.
i listen to loud music to isolate myself in my own world.
i drink till drunk to let myself feel numb instead of cutting myself.
i feel very uncomfortable with many people around me.

When i'm out, that is the time where i have to wear my mask.
I'm a happy girl who is always crazy.
yeah, i talk alot !
i have no worries,
i have a happy life.
my said worries and sadness are redundant.
once i dont talk, i must be either sad or sick.
yeahh, that's what they say.

but sometimes, i just dont feel like talking..
i'm just busy thinking.
and to be honest, when i'm out..
i'm not allowed to keep quiet and think.
they would think that i'm pissed or whatever.
yeah, that makes me pissed.
seriously..

Tell me what to do when i'm behaving like a split personality human.
I like to see the people around me laughing, chatting and smiling..
but i dont feel like doing any of those.
and i know that i will never smile again.
then what's the point.

I shun people out, because i'm afraid of getting hurt over and over again..
when i get too close to someone, i will suddenly leave.
because that person will have a higher chance of hurting me.

i have to be independent, i will be independent.
even if i fall, i'll pick myself up and carry on.

sometimes, i have no idea why i torture myself this way..

If you can't accept me for who i am, then leave.

I have high and low tolerance, just dont trigger my low tolerance and you're fine.
I dont get irritated over every little things but when you irritate me..
you better fk off straight.

seriously.. i'm not going to repeat what i did few weeks back.

I'm not going to comment, i'm not going to utter a single word.
I'm not going to give a fuck to you and your precious son, because it's not worth my attention.
This is my life and i'm going to lead it this way since you insist on your way.
If you believe that your son is going to lead a better life than me in future, then go ahead and nurture him.
I'm not the one who started smoking at 16, skipping school at 13 and bully his sibling since young.
I'm not the one who strangle his sister at 16, the one who hit his sister at 15 and the one who hurls vulgarities at his sister since 13.
You do not know anything then shut the fuck up.
I've never spoke a single words about these..
In your eyes, i'm always the one in the wrong.
Seriously..
Dont you have your own limps to WALK to the kitchen and put your own plates after dinner?
Can't you lift your butt and get your own water?
You've never washed your own dishes, your own clothes and pack your room..
i dont see why you have the fking rights to scold me for these and making me do these for you..
When i told her that i'm not even close with my brother, you know wad i get?
a slap, seriously.
ya, my fault that i can't get along with him okay?
Banging my door in the early morning to wake me up, for wad?
to use the plug in my room, wadthefuck is wrong with you? Dont you have your own plugS in your own bloody room?
Can't you use the other plugs in the WHOLE house? Cb, i no need sleep uh?
You wake me up to use the plug, i can fuck care.
you can still ask me to help you IRON your own fucking clothes, are you fucking kidding me?
and after doing SO MUCH for you, you can't even help me to open a door for my friend when i'm bathing?
Seriously..
You can still shout at me for that? are you fucking kidding?
and the best part?
neither of my parent said a thing.
so he's right?
seriously?
opening a door is that fking troublesome?
I wonder where have your senses gone to.

No matter how well i do in my results, no matter how much effort i put in for my work..
it's all rubbish.
ha ha ha, right.
so o level was as easy as you think it is?
then why can't your son stay in express stream and complete his o level?
then why can't he pass his n level and move on to o level?
why did he go ite?
and in those 2 years, how many days did he actually ended school?
3 days? 4 days?
did he even went for his exams..
and now he gets to study private poly?
and he's allowed to go uni while i'm not allowed to?
ha, isn't this very obvious already?
seriously..

i dont wanna repeat..but seriously those months i struggle every day and night to study all those bloody science to pass my o level..are just nights outside loitering and playing?
everyone can see my effort but not the people whom i stay with..
talking bout family love? ha, forget it.
i dont need such love.
i dont need people who wan you dead.
i dont need you, AT ALL.
I dont need you to repeat twice and thrice that you wan me dead, because you have no rights to end my life.
it's my own choice.
watch it bitch.
i'll make it through, then you can continue your sweet life with your husband and son.
i dont give a fuck.
i wont drop a tear for you,
i wont overdose pills for you,
i wont get drunk over you,
and i will never cut myself because of you.
not anymore.

i'll just keep quiet.

Work at M1

Enjoyed myself so far, not bad.
Quite easy work i would say, as compared to gongcha lurh ! haha !
Longer working hours, same pay but lesser work.
I mean seriously, the work there is like hard labour !
At least the work here is much straight forward..and i dont have to work till i get myself drenched and whatever.
the working hours are more flexible, the colleagues aree better and i believe the management in incomparable with gongcha's..
even if they fail in these, at least they have no pinoys here.. haha !

One thing i realised here..
Retail job is like flirting with the customers, haha !
Like totally, i mean female and those decent-looking uncles still okay lurhh..
some uncle like tiko :x

Other than my colleagues, still got next door staffs.. haha !
the people at the hawker also very friendly :p
and i always eat the same stuffs, hehe!

Meanie me, i went to scare the chicken rice auntie just now cause she was back facing me, hehe !
ordered and i ran off to get juice~
bought a mixture of dragonfruit and soursop !
$2 only ! damn cheap !
very nice also, haha !
drank too fast, brain freeze ! :x

Today is first of april.
Happy April's Fool to you ! :D