If you think you can control me by screaming and hurling vulgarities in different languages, you are fking wrong.
I dont grow up in the kampung and i'm born with a natural smart brain that learns from my surrounding and grow with them.
At the age of 4, i learnt how to scold people to eat shit in cantonese.
At the age of 9, i learnt how to scold people with cheebye, knn, lj all these.
Who taught me?
You, your malaysia's family and your son.
Why am i not surprised.
You, the mother, is the one who scold me not to cock jiao wei when i'm silently helping you to set table for dinner.
Harp on it? No, i dont.
I'm just learning from you to rake up the past and bring as the current example.
Well, you did it twice in the past two months.
Want to list more?
Dont bother caring for me now when i'm in poly, because it wont show how good you are as a mother.
You, are the one who encourage and wants me to go ITE when i can make it to poly.
You, are the one who kept cursing me and asking why am i still in Express and not NA.
You, are the one who cut my allowance and make me work to spend every fucking cent. Oh and, without letting my dad knows what you are doing.
Let's do some recap alright, love?
When i was 11, i casually asked my neighbour that is a year younger than me.
'have you imagined how it feels like to jump off the building from our level (11)? I think it feels fun, maybe i'ld try one day.'
the next day, i got a fking scolding and beating for that question.
Have you not thought of why did i feel like jumping? For fun? Please. I know the ending.
I was never happy in this family, except that one day we went to the Singtel Fair as a family, oh and without my brother.
That was the only day i was happy, the only memory i have. Only positive memory.
When i was 12, i pierced staplers onto my finger tips and enjoy the thrill of it.
When i was 14, i start cutting myself. Not slit, but cut. It's just like scratches that leaves a little swollen line. I started to eat panadols because i'm bored.
When i was 15, i started to drink cough mixture and go damn high crazy.
When i was 16, i started slitting myself. I even attempted to collect a bottle of blood. I had a collection of penknives. My cough mixture dosage went even higher, so did my wide variety of pills.
I started drinking hard liqour and drunk. Fucking drunk, hahahaha!
I did all these not for the sake of fun, because i feel hurt and i can't voice.
I got no stand, no voice. I'm like a mistake in their life, like a burden.
There was once when my dad came in and wake me up, he saw the cuts on my wrist and asked if my mum did that to me. Why would he think that way, you think about it.
There's nothing much for me to say.
My temper is bad, but hers is worse.
I know the difference between right and wrong, perhaps she dont.
We dont talk about the past, we talk about the present.
You know what, forget it.
I'm back to cutting, drinking and overdosing.
Whatever.
Fuck it.
Caitlin
