Pain of loss

Went to read your twitter just now..
guess she still matters alot to you, even if you keep denying.
i understand that a year plus of relationship is not easily forgotten..
after what you've guys been through.
I may not be your 'friend' for the past years..but trust me, i know.

Wanted to text you and ask you to cheer up, but i stopped.
why should i ask you to cheer up when no one was there for me when such things happen..
just a couple of real friends..
but still i have friends who laugh at me for falling sick.
and i have your 'friends', sluts who laugh at our breakup.
but i didn't tell them why we broke up.
let them laugh all they wan, because i still rather you leave than me regretting my choice.
as said, i'm not as slutty as them.
say so much also no use, but yeah.. trust me, i know the real reason.
haha.

i wonder if you really feel the pain i felt that time.

the reason why i can text you normally is because,
I've changed my perspective in life..
I wont be as easily bullied as last time.
I believe building up my wall would be easier and better for me.
so dont try to break down this wall and leave like nothing has happened.
your scoldings still remain in my mind ever since you first said them..
you scolded me for not being able to voice myself,
you scolded me for not being able to express my emotions.
yeah, i still fail to do so.
no matter how hard i try, i still end up forgiving them.. giving them chances after chances..
i know that they dont deserve it, but still i help them..
my colleague always scold me for being too soft-hearted.
can you blame me for it?

because i dont wan people to be disappointed, i make myself run three jobs..
although i could have quitted two of them..
and now, i joined a low pay job because i think the bosses are nice..
but it's really too little to keep myself surviving this economic..
but still, i can't bear to quit.
although i dislike that woman alot alot alot.

was telling my girlfriend bout me making up my mind and quit TeaTozz..
but she only tell me back one sentence,
'aiya, you always say wan quit also never quit. same as your gongcha.'
wad to do !!
i can tell her that i'm going to quit TeaTozz, but the next moment i told her that i put it on hold.
SIGH, wad to do?
i really enjoyed working with Karim and the other staffs, that's why I can't bear to quit.
@#$%^&*
whatever.
I still have to make up my mind over Gongcha and TeaTozz.
apparently i can't work for both. -.-
but tbh, if i were to choose, i would choose Gongcha.
c'mon, gongcha offers me 8/hr while TeaTozz offers me 5/hr.
if you're someone who's paying her own school fees and various expenses, which job would you prefer?
and gongcha allows me to work at night..
so, i can work in the day too.
isn't even better for me?
i mean sleep is important lurh, but it can wait till september holiday isn't it?
Bear for two more months jiu can le, why not?

Sighh.. we'll see how.
still gotta consider bout my academic work too.
shall turn in now, if not i'ld be damn tired tomorrow..