Loneliness

Loneliness is the one and only friend who understands me..with the companion of music.

The feeling is being left alone..
growing up alone..

No one to turn to when you're in difficulties,
no one to speak to when you're feeling troubled..
No one there to understand you and hear you out.

Being a strong and independent girl,
i gave one the rights to feel my fear and constant worries.
but he disappointed me..
i told myself, i'll spend everything i need to build that big strong wall back.

For a girl who was so quiet to become so rebellious..
trust me, she's been through alot..

Even if you think it sounds easy, it was not a bit to her..

At the age of 9, she had to juggle her cca, her musical play that was to be showcasted on channel 5 live, chinese storytelling competition, studies and her friends..
At the age of 10, her music progression in her cca was at her own time peak..not to forget, primary school streaming..
At the age of 11, she was invited to take up music private lesson to further her qualification.
That was the year..everything went haywire.

Cca practices were on saturdays in the primary school days..
Being the pioneer and second batch of young musicians in the school..I joined the seniors in the Alumni CO practices after my own cca.

On the second Alumni practice, one of my juniors' mother barged into the music room and started to scold everyone in my instrument section..
She claimed that one of us had stolen her daughter's instrument..and insisted to check each and every of our instruments.

Being a mother of a student in the school, the teachers had no choice but to stop the practice and conduct the check.
When it was my turn, i walked slowly feeling very scared..
It was my own instrument, and not borrowed from the school, i was afraid that she would turn rough and scratch my instrument or something.
When she took my instrument and examine, she immediately grabbed my wrist and scream at me..calling me 'thief'.
I had no idea what was going on for that instant, everything just went blur..
and i started crying, because her grab was hurting me very much.
she continued to scold me and threaten to bring me to the police station right away,
she say she wanted to report me for stealing.

I was not given a chance to explain myself.

Not only did the teacher beside us helped to calm the mother down, she scolded me on the spot for stealing my junior's instrument.

I was still not given a chance to explain myself.

Then the overall teacher-in-charge came over and talked to the mother.. then she made me go back to the practice room empty-handed.
It was really my own instrument but nobody believed me..
no matter how hard i cry, nobody listened..

After i went back, i borrowed my senior's spare instrument to continue the song they were playing..
After a while, the OTIC came in and returned my instrument..therefore, i returned my senior hers too.
but she passed it back to me and told me it was not hers..
I took a closer look and realised that the instrument had a chipped off part on the top, the same description as my own instrument..maybe that was the reason why she said i stole her daughter's instrument.
I couldn't return and i couldn't keep, so i went to the teacher that was around at the first time..
i passed that instrument to her, and she pulled me out and scolded me again..
saying, i finally owned up.

Third time, i was not given a chance to explain.

After checking everything, it was purely an accident..
the daughter of hers and my senior had accidentally taken the opposite party's instrument when clearing up in the sectional room previously..
It was purely an accident..that does not concern me directly or indirectly.

After being hurt, threatened and scolded several times.. i was wronged and i was not given any chance to explain myself at all..

I turned fear to anger and became rebellious..
that day was the first day i scolded vulgarity on purpose and boldly..

I told myself, i will never forgive that teacher and the mother.

The whole story didn't end here..

When i was p6, i took part in my last annual concert at the end of the year..with a short solo in the middle of the song.
Being the section leader, it was my responsibility to handle all the spare parts in case anything break before the concert.
Before we left the school, that teacher came over and collect the backup set from me.. she said that she will be taking charge of all the sets..
Thirty minutes before the concert, my string snapped and we had no backup instrument..so we could only change the string.
I asked the teacher whr she placed the set as i needed to change my string..
she scolded me for not taking care of my own things and said that it was not with her..
After whatever happened in 2005, i hated this teacher to the core.
Because i've already graduated and received my PSLE results.. i was no longer under charge of her.
i screamed back at her, at the top of my voice.
Her shocked face, is something i will never forget.
I enjoyed that moment, i like the way she feel the fear i felt a year ago..
i want her to remember that day, that moment..
After i screamed back at her, the whole holding room with all other CCAs kept very quiet..including the teachers.
Back in the school times, most of the teachers know me..and they know what kind of student i was.
I was not a very bad studemt, but i'm not an excellent student either..i was just a good student who has never behaved anything more than mischievous..
When i screamed at her, she screamed at me for screaming at her..
so, i told her.. i'm no longer in this school, you have no rights to scold me and you were the one who wanted to take charge of the things.. now, we have no backup. dont blame you then blame me uh?
We just quarrelled all the way while everyone just watched and listen.
I like the way she felt humiliated.. i like the way she felt embarrassed.
I like to see the anger, shame and humiliation in her eyes.
I like to hear the sound of her apology..

Because, this was what you made me feel.
But i gave you a chance to explain.
Although i know you can't win this quarrel with me, i gave you a chance to explain yourself.

Ever since that day, she got transferred out of my cca.. and she always greet me very friendly when she see me back in school for teaching. I told myself sternly, i will never forgive her.

That's the end of the teacher, but not the mother.

Being a loyal student, i go back to help my instructor to teach the younger children every saturday..nearly without fail.
That one day, my instructor passed all the juniors' music exam certificates to me to pass to them..
one of the certs was that daughter.

When i saw that mother walking with the daughter over to my classroom, my blood boiled..
i went to the back door and slammed the door closed.
Well, she was walking towards my front door..does it concern her that i slam my back door?
Yeah, i slammed it hard..
but i warned my juniors first, haha !
well, my juniors knew what had happened..so they didn't mind.
She opened my door and scolded me for slamming the door in her face.
That day, i was wearing my full-uniform as i came over from sec sch..
she scolded me all the way..and i didn't say anything, i just smirked.
until she insulted my sch, lousy school for lousy attitude students.
she say, 'dont think i dont know that you anyhow hit and scold your juniors okay!'
Wa, i boil ttm.
but before i could say anything, my junior stood up and scold her.
she say i dont hit them at all and i dont even scold them.
I calmed my junior down then i told that mother by debating her words, points by points.
I told her, firstly.. i didn't slam the door in her face, and i did slammed the door of my classroom..
unless her face was sticked to the door, if not i dont think it slammed it in her face.
then we argued louder and louder..
my instructor heard the commotion and walked over to find out what happened..
my juniors briefly told her what happened,
then my instructor scolded the mother too.
Omg, that was epic.. damn embarrassing !
i didn't expect that uh, but well.. she brought it upon herself.

Occasionally, i would see her on the street or the junction or smth..
she would stare at me like her eyes are going to fall out.
i'll just stare back, and smirk.
haha !
recently, i saw her on the bus in front of me.. she had no other places to stand alrdy, cos it was packed..
Then i told my friend loudly enough to let her hear..
you know.. people like to accuse ppl. nowadays hor, you think this person steal your wallet right..
just grab her and pull her to the police station jiu can liao.
Oh ya, must grab those small girls uh.. easier to bully.
They wont scold you back de.
then i continued to hint about what happened in 2005.
i will never let her have a peaceful life, i will make her regret what she did to me.
i will be your living nightmare.
trust me, i'm not your only..
dont let my mother see you, she will personally treat you a cup of coffee..have some toast..
then rip your head apart.
Because you threatened a minor for something she did not do and refuse to apologise.
Even if you do, you think i will accept?

Woodlands is where i grow up, is where you stay.
Dont think i'm still that innocent girl that let you do whatever you want to, because i'll make sure your face kiss the floor.

That marks my end of primary school life, the beginning of my rebellious life..

One thing that has never changed ever since i was p5..
is the idea of committing suicide.

When i have enough courage one day, when life seems so dark..

Love,
DS.