小幸运

It has been more than a year. So many things have changed.
From a new colleague to lunch buddy and now to idk.
Was I too annoying that I pissed you off?

Looking back when I first joined, I didnt struggle much. There wasnt much for me to do initially anyway.
I doubt the importance of my existence.

Backstabbed for being racist when I can get along with all the staff while my colleague cant, on my first month.
I doubt my credibility.

Being disliked by my first dept customer just because I'm righteous.
I doubt the society's honesty.

After transferring to my second dept, I see a whole new range of staff. Every time they do something wrong, i doubt my ability.
I still do.

All along, i keep telling myself to hang in there because it's my first job. Everyone keep telling me, it might be because of your age. I admit age plays a part, but if no one is there to correct you or let you know the things you do is right or wrong.. then it is no longer about the age.

Sometimes I am just that dense.. I don't feel anything, and I need people to tell me in the face the purpose of something. Sorry that I am not that intelligent.

Over this one year and going 4 months, I still question myself if I am fit for this position. I really wonder if I have this job by luck or what.

For someone without knowledge in this field, I plunged in with a high but non-exec position. For someone that was not even 20 yet, this position is not even suitable.

I used to have a colleague who will send me to and fro home, and along the way.. he will keep planting positive thoughts in my head whenever I am feeling pessimistic. He left not long after I joined as a full timer. That one month plus were nothing but hopeful and joyful to me.

After I changed to my second dept, I met a colleague who was equally optimistic as the previous colleague. Someone with a higher and different type of humour.

Though it is also a new department, there is so many things to handle.. unlike my first department which is also relatively new. So many times I want to give up.

I keep wondering.. why is the new one in a new 4th party account? But I told myself, if I can survive this.. I can survive anything else.

I really don't know how long I can last though..

Putting full time work aside, I'm glad I survived my first semester as a part time student.
Just waiting for exam results to be out on 17th Dec!

While my 'school holiday' starts, I can get busy with the music recording with my Vesak peeps!
Target to finish '小幸运' recording and MV by end of the year. Abit late to catch up with the trend but well, still our first step.

Meanwhile, we are still recording our '悟' soundtrack. First attempt was not bad but quite rusty, gonna have a few more attempts before we finalise our first release of MV.

Got abit bored while staying over at Aunt's house over the weekend.. I wrote the lyrics of the song into its title, looks pretty not bad although the proportion is abit off. Just trying to self-console myself, Good attempt! Hehe.

Somehow, I've never waited long enough for the rainbow to appear after the storm..

Gone were the days we had constant joy in our life.

 

Looking back at the photos in my phone, I realised how fortunate I am to be surrounded by all these friends.

On the way home today, I realised people do change.
Am I the only one that didn't or am I the only one that refuses to move on.
Suddenly feel very naïve.

How many of these friends will actually be by your side at the end of the day..?
Will years of friendship will also come to an end?
Who are the ones that will actually be in your life?

What is the meaning of friendship.

No one told me that you will lose these friendships as you grow up.

Week 18 - 2015

I realised that the only time i would do blogging is when i switch on my personal laptop.
Being said, the number of times i used this laptop is pathetic.. as you can see from the frequency i post.

I have been harping for quite some time that I want to change my safety boots. No reason needed.
I'm a female. Well, at least i have a pair of spare boots in case anything happens right.

Ta-da! My pair of baby!
Love this brown shade.
I know this colour gets dirty easily.. so what!
It's still pretty! Furthermore, it was love at first sight ;)

After shopping at the Army Market for my babies, I headed down to Shuffle Bistro to meet my colleagues for a drink..two drinks..yeah.

I can't remember a thing so.. i just checked my phone's info.
These photos were taken around 2.15am.
Wow, i KO-ed early.
but.. at least i was still conscious :D

Here is Mus, disturbing me with the bottle of Martell.
He's the one holding the bottle kayy.
PS/ We all only got to know that he's an Indian, and not Malay.

Hello to the cuplrit who kept making me drink, Billy.
Says the one who quit drinking, he managed to hold his liqour very well.

Gordon from SCA, which used to be in my working site.

Ah Kiong, same dept as Mus~ under Billy.
First to KO was him, sure funny!

Last not least, my 80% drunken face.
The night ended quite scary when my friend dropped by and get a drink.
Oh well, move on.

Impromptu meet up with Marisa to West Coast Park for sunset.
So wasted that it was a cloudy evening. Didnt get to see the sun.
However, we still managed to see the sky colour gradually change.

Shortly after this photo was taken, it started to drizzle.
What a shame.

Went Sushi Express with the bride-to-be at Clementi after her wedding discussion yesterday.
Lucky day to see my favourite dish.
YUMSSSSSS.

Met up with Ian after I was done settling the west side stuff.
The 'awesome' prata he said that was near his place was closed.. so he drove me over to casuarina for PRATA!

We had one plain, one egg and one cheese.
Obviously i loved the cheese one.
The egg was good!
Oh, the plain was WOW!
Dont get deceived by the average ugly-looking prata.

Ended the night with a journey to locate this piece of heaven.
Would be better if it's not cloudy and more wind around.
Nontheless, it's awesome!
Great heart-to-heart talk place and of course, dating place.

That sums up a week.
Time to go JB for a little walk with Len now.

Long time no see

I nearly got lost finding my way to do a blog post.
Is it me or was there really changes? haha.
I am surprised, in fact.. very surprised to know that there's actually readers.
Although you guys dont come everyday or weekly or whatever, at least i know my posts are being read!
Eeling~ I know you are stalking me on a quite regular basis~ Hahaha!
I only recently saw your comment that was posted quite some time ago.

These few days have been quite interesting for me.
Friends that have stopped contacting since Sec sch graduation started forming groupchats to arrange for meetups and stuff.
Meeting new friends through other friends, then they brought friends and ya-da.
It's either i'm a real social butterfly or i just click very well with these new friends.
Wow, it really amaze me how our thoughts are similar and we always read each other's minds.
Just remind us once in a while that it's only the 3rd or 4th we're meeting up. haha!

Recently I have been hanging out quite a fair bit with Gen, Alton and Len. Always playing overnight mahjong, planning to go overseas together and stuff. This coming weekend, we're going JB for a short trip as well. It feels good to hang out with Len. Our perspective is very similar and we are the same age! At least i wont feel like a lightbulb when we're out with the Gen/Alton couple.

Had the chance to witness many couples getting together, quarreling, breaking up, etc.. makes me wonder. Why did you even get together in the first place? You used to like him because he takes very good care of you. Couple months later, you break up with him because you finding him over-possessive. Isn't this ironic? The reason you chose him in the first place, is the reason that you use to break up. Is relationship all about spices of life? Or is it just a game/entertainment?

Sometimes I think to myself.. what is a relationship for? What is it about? How does it feel like to like someone that likes you back? I think all I ever did was to fool around people's mind that I have interest on a certain person. It's an entertainment for myself. I like to keep myself busy, mentally and physically. Treating a specific person well to understand his/her likes and dislikes is something I want to achieve. Why? No reason. I just needed an aim. I dont go around confessing 'feelings' or play the game of boyfriend/girlfriend with anyone. I believe in Karma.

If the day you ever see me call a guy 'boyfriend', it means i have totally moved on and learnt to embrace life. Till that day comes, I will remain in my own world where nobody.. not even myself, will know what is going on. Since secondary school till now, I kept myself so busy and tired that there are so many times I feel like i am going to faint right on the spot or within 15 minutes if i'm not on the bed. Working days and nights in a row really works very well to keep your mind of everything.

Vending anger by cutting myself, drinking cough mixtures, spamming alcohol and get dead-drunk.. all these have stopped. I always tell myself to stop, always.. but it always fail as well. I have stopped doing these since CNY this year. However, I hate the fact that I still keep a penknife in my everyday-bag for any emergency. What kind of emergency? 'Cut-to-feel' emergency. There are times when i am very disappointed in myself, angry at myself or whatsoever, my hands would shake and I cannot do anything but breathe. It can get so bad that I am unable to even feel my own hands. The only way to feel again, was to cut.

There are alot of times I feel so lousy at work yet I can't talk to anyone about it. Who can understand my pain at work? None of my friends know how stressful it is to work, they only know how stressful it is to have exams and tests. Trust me, it's nothing. I dont want to tell any of my close friends because I know they will get worried. I rather I handle it alone than to burden other people, since they wont understand my job anyway. Working in a warehouse sounds easy. Just count the things that comes in and send these out. Yeap, easier said than done.

Everyday I go to work, praying hard that I can finish up everything by end working time. Other than processing orders, I have to look out for my team members' progress.. I have to look out for anything that can go wrong, I have to check randomly on my team if they are doing their job. I have to beware of any hidden arrows that might come shooting my back without me knowing. I am sick and tired of this adulthood. Why can't I just be a normal student to take my full time degree? Why? End of the day, no matter happy, stressed or upset.. I still face it alone. I yearn so hard for a listening ear that would understand. Will the day ever come?

Caitlin