Sometimes i dont understand why people always say male and female can never be just friends..
These few months, Kenny and I are rather close.
We first met in 2002, after which he graduated in 2006.
We met by chance in 2008 during my MOE camp at SCH.
That was when we started to talk like friends.
we are supper buddies, smoking buddies, music buddies, colleagues, ensemble mates.. we are friends.
Maybe we are hanging out too much, people are starting to talk.
I know wad's going on.. even if i say anything, these nonsense wont stop.
Seriously, if i really like him and want to be together..
I would have done something years ago.. why wait till now?
I dont even care if he has a girlfriend or not.
If he does, then i rather we get to know each other and hang out together.
Isn't that better? better than everyone saying bad things bout each other and make friendships sour?
I know what is going on.. but i will not utter a word until he says anything.
but bear in mind, i would not be there if anything fails.
Caitlin.
Wednesday, 2 April 2014
Friday, 7 March 2014
Warning
28th March 2014 would be the day I officially let go of everything.. you will be my past and always be the past.
No one shall ask, no one shall speak of it.
These 3 years were my lowest point in life.
Drinking, getting drunk, cutting, slitting, smoking..
everything i did to get over you.
Things that may seem stupid seems logical at those moment.
Recently, i've watched a couple movies and it made me wonder..
was i down with depression? It was scary.
The way they expressed the feelings of the actor was so detailed, it really felt so.
It brought back those memories and thoughts i had when i made my decisions to do those certain things.
It was the ecstasy.
These shall remain as past and foolish choice of my own.
I blame no one but myself.
Addiction is however an addiction.
I took so long to get over the addiction of cutting and slitting myself.
I may still do it once in a while, but the temptation is no longer as great as last time.
I made efforts to stop and quit.
Well, determination is the key.
And the issue is, i dont have enough.
May the day be good and end with a wonderful smile.
Caitlin
No one shall ask, no one shall speak of it.
These 3 years were my lowest point in life.
Drinking, getting drunk, cutting, slitting, smoking..
everything i did to get over you.
Things that may seem stupid seems logical at those moment.
Recently, i've watched a couple movies and it made me wonder..
was i down with depression? It was scary.
The way they expressed the feelings of the actor was so detailed, it really felt so.
It brought back those memories and thoughts i had when i made my decisions to do those certain things.
It was the ecstasy.
These shall remain as past and foolish choice of my own.
I blame no one but myself.
Addiction is however an addiction.
I took so long to get over the addiction of cutting and slitting myself.
I may still do it once in a while, but the temptation is no longer as great as last time.
I made efforts to stop and quit.
Well, determination is the key.
And the issue is, i dont have enough.
May the day be good and end with a wonderful smile.
Caitlin
Tuesday, 11 February 2014
I tried my best
Because i'm an emotional person, things affect me easily.
I feel a pang of jealousy whenever i hear the notifications..
it's not that i like him, but i just feel as though he's no longer the friend i used to hang out with..
and it all started this year.
if you dont believe in fortune telling, then this post would make no sense to you.
this year, this friday, i have a vday dinner date.
I dont like the guy romantically, but at the same time, i also dont know if he asked me out for a platonic dinner or as a target. but wadeva it is.. it's the first time i'm celebrating vday since the break up three years ago.. i guess i'm making an improvement?
i'm no longer the happy-go-lucky person i used to be.
i dont like my current self, i'm no diff from sch sch times.
i feel like though im going through the same phase again.
trapped in the darkness, trapped in my emotional world.
i'm trapped.
i dont feel like conversing, i dont feel like interacting, i dont feel like talking.
i'm no longer the social butterfly ppl call me.
come to think of it, when i was a social butterfly.. did i neglect my friends?
or was i just interacting with everyone that i do not know..
is that who i am.
end of the day, who do i rely on.
i'm like a lost ship that do not have a space at the harbour.
i feel no pain.
i feel the numbness.
i drink not for the joy, i drink for the effect.
the numb feeling, even the fingers are numb.
my heart is numb, my brain is numb.
i think of nothing but the current issues, which is to drink, have fun and have fun.
when the blade slides through the skin, you feel not the pain.. but the excitement of life.
that is the advantage of drinking..
i know i will regret drinking when i wake up tmr, i know i will regret cutting now.
but you will never know what you will do when you are alone and has nowhere to turn to.
dont tell me you are there for me..
if i know you are there for me, but i chose not to turn to you.. it means i do not trust you enough to confide to you.
make sense?
I trust easily, but one thing you do will make me lose all my trust.
just one issue is enough.
call me judgmental but that's how i am.
if you know i really trust you but i do not confide in you, it means i do not want to hurt you.
i rather suffer alone than to bring my loved ones down with me.
loves,
caitlin
I feel a pang of jealousy whenever i hear the notifications..
it's not that i like him, but i just feel as though he's no longer the friend i used to hang out with..
and it all started this year.
if you dont believe in fortune telling, then this post would make no sense to you.
this year, this friday, i have a vday dinner date.
I dont like the guy romantically, but at the same time, i also dont know if he asked me out for a platonic dinner or as a target. but wadeva it is.. it's the first time i'm celebrating vday since the break up three years ago.. i guess i'm making an improvement?
i'm no longer the happy-go-lucky person i used to be.
i dont like my current self, i'm no diff from sch sch times.
i feel like though im going through the same phase again.
trapped in the darkness, trapped in my emotional world.
i'm trapped.
i dont feel like conversing, i dont feel like interacting, i dont feel like talking.
i'm no longer the social butterfly ppl call me.
come to think of it, when i was a social butterfly.. did i neglect my friends?
or was i just interacting with everyone that i do not know..
is that who i am.
end of the day, who do i rely on.
i'm like a lost ship that do not have a space at the harbour.
i feel no pain.
i feel the numbness.
i drink not for the joy, i drink for the effect.
the numb feeling, even the fingers are numb.
my heart is numb, my brain is numb.
i think of nothing but the current issues, which is to drink, have fun and have fun.
when the blade slides through the skin, you feel not the pain.. but the excitement of life.
that is the advantage of drinking..
i know i will regret drinking when i wake up tmr, i know i will regret cutting now.
but you will never know what you will do when you are alone and has nowhere to turn to.
dont tell me you are there for me..
if i know you are there for me, but i chose not to turn to you.. it means i do not trust you enough to confide to you.
make sense?
I trust easily, but one thing you do will make me lose all my trust.
just one issue is enough.
call me judgmental but that's how i am.
if you know i really trust you but i do not confide in you, it means i do not want to hurt you.
i rather suffer alone than to bring my loved ones down with me.
loves,
caitlin
Friday, 10 January 2014
Values Report
Three years in poly really made me observed and learnt many things about life. I grew up in my Primary School's motto: Joy in Learning, Pure in Act. Unlike PSLE and GCE 'O' Level, we are not as competitive in poly life. End of the day, we would all graduate with the same certificate but different GPA. Would it not be better if everyone can graduate with good GPA instead of comparing within ourselves?
Perhaps we all graduated from different schools, we think differently. Some schools produced students that are more competitive. In the first few months, I thought everyone were going to be as nice as the people I made friends with in Secondary School. As we moved on to the second year of studies and people start to compare their CGPA, they tend to drift from those that are not doing as well. Things start to happen as the assignments are due. When you consult one of these competitive friends, they might not be telling you the real answer or honest guidance for your assignment. After spending one year plus together, you realized that they are not as honest and helpful as they claimed to be. All of a sudden, no one seems to be truthful when it comes to school work. As some seniors claimed, you can trust no one but your lecturers in school.
I do not know how these people can refuse to help a friend when he/she needs help or correct them when you know they are doing things wrongly. Maybe it is a good thing that I cannot bring myself to do such things. I know I am not the only one who thinks and feel that way, that is why I try to share with anyone if I can. Sharing is caring and it does not work in one direction. I may not be good in most modules but I know I am better in modules that requires us to make use of software, like AutoCAD and Revit. Even though these friends nearly made me fail an assignment before, I never refused to their call when they need help in software. Some might call me stupid but I do not understand what good would it do to me if I stay selfish and not share my knowledge. I find it ridiculous when outsiders tell me not to help them.
Like Dalai Lama said, 'If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.' I believe in passing it on and what goes around, comes around. If I do not want the same thing to happen on me, I do not do it on other people. If forking out a little of my time can bring joy or convenience to others, I would do it. Because one day in the far future, someone would be in my place and help me the same way too. If forking out a little money means less luxury for myself but bring hope for others, I would do it. Sharing is joy, there is no point being selfish and be miserable while two people can share the small happiness and be happy together. If everyone practice compassion, the world will be a happy and peaceful. In order to make everyone understand the need of compassion, I have to take the first step to influence the people around me.
Perhaps we all graduated from different schools, we think differently. Some schools produced students that are more competitive. In the first few months, I thought everyone were going to be as nice as the people I made friends with in Secondary School. As we moved on to the second year of studies and people start to compare their CGPA, they tend to drift from those that are not doing as well. Things start to happen as the assignments are due. When you consult one of these competitive friends, they might not be telling you the real answer or honest guidance for your assignment. After spending one year plus together, you realized that they are not as honest and helpful as they claimed to be. All of a sudden, no one seems to be truthful when it comes to school work. As some seniors claimed, you can trust no one but your lecturers in school.
I do not know how these people can refuse to help a friend when he/she needs help or correct them when you know they are doing things wrongly. Maybe it is a good thing that I cannot bring myself to do such things. I know I am not the only one who thinks and feel that way, that is why I try to share with anyone if I can. Sharing is caring and it does not work in one direction. I may not be good in most modules but I know I am better in modules that requires us to make use of software, like AutoCAD and Revit. Even though these friends nearly made me fail an assignment before, I never refused to their call when they need help in software. Some might call me stupid but I do not understand what good would it do to me if I stay selfish and not share my knowledge. I find it ridiculous when outsiders tell me not to help them.
Like Dalai Lama said, 'If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.' I believe in passing it on and what goes around, comes around. If I do not want the same thing to happen on me, I do not do it on other people. If forking out a little of my time can bring joy or convenience to others, I would do it. Because one day in the far future, someone would be in my place and help me the same way too. If forking out a little money means less luxury for myself but bring hope for others, I would do it. Sharing is joy, there is no point being selfish and be miserable while two people can share the small happiness and be happy together. If everyone practice compassion, the world will be a happy and peaceful. In order to make everyone understand the need of compassion, I have to take the first step to influence the people around me.
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