Long time no see

I nearly got lost finding my way to do a blog post.
Is it me or was there really changes? haha.
I am surprised, in fact.. very surprised to know that there's actually readers.
Although you guys dont come everyday or weekly or whatever, at least i know my posts are being read!
Eeling~ I know you are stalking me on a quite regular basis~ Hahaha!
I only recently saw your comment that was posted quite some time ago.

These few days have been quite interesting for me.
Friends that have stopped contacting since Sec sch graduation started forming groupchats to arrange for meetups and stuff.
Meeting new friends through other friends, then they brought friends and ya-da.
It's either i'm a real social butterfly or i just click very well with these new friends.
Wow, it really amaze me how our thoughts are similar and we always read each other's minds.
Just remind us once in a while that it's only the 3rd or 4th we're meeting up. haha!

Recently I have been hanging out quite a fair bit with Gen, Alton and Len. Always playing overnight mahjong, planning to go overseas together and stuff. This coming weekend, we're going JB for a short trip as well. It feels good to hang out with Len. Our perspective is very similar and we are the same age! At least i wont feel like a lightbulb when we're out with the Gen/Alton couple.

Had the chance to witness many couples getting together, quarreling, breaking up, etc.. makes me wonder. Why did you even get together in the first place? You used to like him because he takes very good care of you. Couple months later, you break up with him because you finding him over-possessive. Isn't this ironic? The reason you chose him in the first place, is the reason that you use to break up. Is relationship all about spices of life? Or is it just a game/entertainment?

Sometimes I think to myself.. what is a relationship for? What is it about? How does it feel like to like someone that likes you back? I think all I ever did was to fool around people's mind that I have interest on a certain person. It's an entertainment for myself. I like to keep myself busy, mentally and physically. Treating a specific person well to understand his/her likes and dislikes is something I want to achieve. Why? No reason. I just needed an aim. I dont go around confessing 'feelings' or play the game of boyfriend/girlfriend with anyone. I believe in Karma.

If the day you ever see me call a guy 'boyfriend', it means i have totally moved on and learnt to embrace life. Till that day comes, I will remain in my own world where nobody.. not even myself, will know what is going on. Since secondary school till now, I kept myself so busy and tired that there are so many times I feel like i am going to faint right on the spot or within 15 minutes if i'm not on the bed. Working days and nights in a row really works very well to keep your mind of everything.

Vending anger by cutting myself, drinking cough mixtures, spamming alcohol and get dead-drunk.. all these have stopped. I always tell myself to stop, always.. but it always fail as well. I have stopped doing these since CNY this year. However, I hate the fact that I still keep a penknife in my everyday-bag for any emergency. What kind of emergency? 'Cut-to-feel' emergency. There are times when i am very disappointed in myself, angry at myself or whatsoever, my hands would shake and I cannot do anything but breathe. It can get so bad that I am unable to even feel my own hands. The only way to feel again, was to cut.

There are alot of times I feel so lousy at work yet I can't talk to anyone about it. Who can understand my pain at work? None of my friends know how stressful it is to work, they only know how stressful it is to have exams and tests. Trust me, it's nothing. I dont want to tell any of my close friends because I know they will get worried. I rather I handle it alone than to burden other people, since they wont understand my job anyway. Working in a warehouse sounds easy. Just count the things that comes in and send these out. Yeap, easier said than done.

Everyday I go to work, praying hard that I can finish up everything by end working time. Other than processing orders, I have to look out for my team members' progress.. I have to look out for anything that can go wrong, I have to check randomly on my team if they are doing their job. I have to beware of any hidden arrows that might come shooting my back without me knowing. I am sick and tired of this adulthood. Why can't I just be a normal student to take my full time degree? Why? End of the day, no matter happy, stressed or upset.. I still face it alone. I yearn so hard for a listening ear that would understand. Will the day ever come?

Caitlin