Day 150

Exactly 150th working day..

Work is getting better, but not to the expectations yet.
whenever something goes wrong, i feel very bad. Like it is all and always my fault.

I dont even know how to handle my colleagues, it wasnt as easy as my other jobs. Perhaps it's the age, experience or even gender.. or maybe i'm just lenient. I dont know, i dont know what I can do.

while i try and figure a way out, i am just a normal staff with extra complaints and stress to handle.. talk about stress man..

so many times i want to turn back to how i dealt with stress.. so many times i had the urge to hold on to the penknife.. so many times..

I've stopped smoking because I wanted a change in my life. I dont want to remember of the bad habits i had for the past few years. I want to handle things like adults do. Not to turn to cutting, smoking or drinking.

my perseverance is holding up, but for how long.. i have no idea. Im trying my best, my very best. The temptation of cutting is strong.. very strong.

perhaps im just too immature for all these. Maybe it wasnt for me, or maybe not the right time. Sometimes i just want to hide and cry all i wan. I want to behave like a child, i want to feel loved in a family. I want to be surrounded by friends and do silly things together.

Growing up is hard. Everytime i think of my friends studying and here i am, working.. i wonder why did i take this path.. would things have been different? Would i be in designing, hospitality, events... or would i be doing other things..

suddenly feel so lost. Lost of direction. Like im spending my days away, working hard and not smart. Like years of education gone to waste because this immature brain of mine is not growing as fast as i need it to be.

Im drowning.. in fear. Very demoralised.

Caitlin Soh