You're Somebody that I used to know

Feels good to be in contact with you again.. but those memories gushed back the moment you apologise. And silly me, i went to reread the blog posts of that period of time.

I will constantly remind myself not to fall again. I know the feeling amd it sucks.
The answer Mere told me that night, I will remember. I do not wish to repeat the same thing again.

Hopefully we are meeting for a meal on Sunday, it's been really long since we last met. As a friend, i really miss him.

Caitlin

Friendship

Sometimes i dont understand why people always say male and female can never be just friends..

These few months, Kenny and I are rather close.
We first met in 2002, after which he graduated in 2006.
We met by chance in 2008 during my MOE camp at SCH.
That was when we started to talk like friends.
we are supper buddies, smoking buddies, music buddies, colleagues, ensemble mates.. we are friends.

Maybe we are hanging out too much, people are starting to talk.
I know wad's going on.. even if i say anything, these nonsense wont stop.

Seriously, if i really like him and want to be together..
I would have done something years ago.. why wait till now?
I dont even care if he has a girlfriend or not.
If he does, then i rather we get to know each other and hang out together.
Isn't that better? better than everyone saying bad things bout each other and make friendships sour?

I know what is going on.. but i will not utter a word until he says anything.
but bear in mind, i would not be there if anything fails.

Caitlin.

Warning

28th  March 2014 would be the day I officially let go of everything.. you will be my past and always be the past.
No one shall ask, no one shall speak of it.

These 3 years were my lowest point in life.
Drinking, getting drunk, cutting, slitting, smoking..
everything i did to get over you.
Things that may seem stupid seems logical at those moment.


Recently, i've watched a couple movies and it made me wonder..
was i down with depression? It was scary.
The way they expressed the feelings of the actor was so detailed, it really felt so.
It brought back those memories and thoughts i had when i made my decisions to do those certain things.
It was the ecstasy.

These shall remain as past and foolish choice of my own.
I blame no one but myself.
Addiction is however an addiction.
I took so long to get over the addiction of cutting and slitting myself.
I may still do it once in a while, but the temptation is no longer as great as last time.
I made efforts to stop and quit.
Well, determination is the key.
And the issue is, i dont have enough.

May the day be good and end with a wonderful smile.

Caitlin

I tried my best

Because i'm an emotional person, things affect me easily.

I feel a pang of jealousy whenever i hear the notifications..
it's not that i like him, but i just feel as though he's no longer the friend i used to hang out with..
and it all started this year.
if you dont believe in fortune telling, then this post would make no sense to you.

this year, this friday, i have a vday dinner date.
I dont like the guy romantically, but at the same time, i also dont know if he asked me out for a platonic dinner or as a target. but wadeva it is.. it's the first time i'm celebrating vday since the break up three years ago.. i guess i'm making an improvement?

i'm no longer the happy-go-lucky person i used to be.
i dont like my current self, i'm no diff from sch sch times.

i feel like though im going through the same phase again.
trapped in the darkness, trapped in my emotional world.
i'm trapped.
i dont feel like conversing, i dont feel like interacting, i dont feel like talking.
i'm no longer the social butterfly ppl call me.

come to think of it, when i was a social butterfly.. did i neglect my friends?
or was i just interacting with everyone that i do not know..
is that who i am.

end of the day, who do i rely on.
i'm like a lost ship that do not have a space at the harbour.

i feel no pain.
i feel the numbness.

i drink not for the joy, i drink for the effect.
the numb feeling, even the fingers are numb.
my heart is numb, my brain is numb.
i think of nothing but the current issues, which is to drink, have fun and have fun.

when the blade slides through the skin, you feel not the pain.. but the excitement of life.
that is the advantage of drinking..

i know i will regret drinking when i wake up tmr, i know i will regret cutting now.
but you will never know what you will do when you are alone and has nowhere to turn to.

dont tell me you are there for me..
if i know you are there for me, but i chose not to turn to you.. it means i do not trust you enough to confide to you.
make sense?
I trust easily, but one thing you do will make me lose all my trust.
just one issue is enough.
call me judgmental but that's how i am.
if you know i really trust you but i do not confide in you, it means i do not want to hurt you.

i rather suffer alone than to bring my loved ones down with me.

loves,
caitlin