Because i'm an emotional person, things affect me easily.
I feel a pang of jealousy whenever i hear the notifications..
it's not that i like him, but i just feel as though he's no longer the friend i used to hang out with..
and it all started this year.
if you dont believe in fortune telling, then this post would make no sense to you.
this year, this friday, i have a vday dinner date.
I dont like the guy romantically, but at the same time, i also dont know if he asked me out for a platonic dinner or as a target. but wadeva it is.. it's the first time i'm celebrating vday since the break up three years ago.. i guess i'm making an improvement?
i'm no longer the happy-go-lucky person i used to be.
i dont like my current self, i'm no diff from sch sch times.
i feel like though im going through the same phase again.
trapped in the darkness, trapped in my emotional world.
i'm trapped.
i dont feel like conversing, i dont feel like interacting, i dont feel like talking.
i'm no longer the social butterfly ppl call me.
come to think of it, when i was a social butterfly.. did i neglect my friends?
or was i just interacting with everyone that i do not know..
is that who i am.
end of the day, who do i rely on.
i'm like a lost ship that do not have a space at the harbour.
i feel no pain.
i feel the numbness.
i drink not for the joy, i drink for the effect.
the numb feeling, even the fingers are numb.
my heart is numb, my brain is numb.
i think of nothing but the current issues, which is to drink, have fun and have fun.
when the blade slides through the skin, you feel not the pain.. but the excitement of life.
that is the advantage of drinking..
i know i will regret drinking when i wake up tmr, i know i will regret cutting now.
but you will never know what you will do when you are alone and has nowhere to turn to.
dont tell me you are there for me..
if i know you are there for me, but i chose not to turn to you.. it means i do not trust you enough to confide to you.
make sense?
I trust easily, but one thing you do will make me lose all my trust.
just one issue is enough.
call me judgmental but that's how i am.
if you know i really trust you but i do not confide in you, it means i do not want to hurt you.
i rather suffer alone than to bring my loved ones down with me.
loves,
caitlin
Tuesday, 11 February 2014
Friday, 10 January 2014
Values Report
Three years in poly really made me observed and learnt many things about life. I grew up in my Primary School's motto: Joy in Learning, Pure in Act. Unlike PSLE and GCE 'O' Level, we are not as competitive in poly life. End of the day, we would all graduate with the same certificate but different GPA. Would it not be better if everyone can graduate with good GPA instead of comparing within ourselves?
Perhaps we all graduated from different schools, we think differently. Some schools produced students that are more competitive. In the first few months, I thought everyone were going to be as nice as the people I made friends with in Secondary School. As we moved on to the second year of studies and people start to compare their CGPA, they tend to drift from those that are not doing as well. Things start to happen as the assignments are due. When you consult one of these competitive friends, they might not be telling you the real answer or honest guidance for your assignment. After spending one year plus together, you realized that they are not as honest and helpful as they claimed to be. All of a sudden, no one seems to be truthful when it comes to school work. As some seniors claimed, you can trust no one but your lecturers in school.
I do not know how these people can refuse to help a friend when he/she needs help or correct them when you know they are doing things wrongly. Maybe it is a good thing that I cannot bring myself to do such things. I know I am not the only one who thinks and feel that way, that is why I try to share with anyone if I can. Sharing is caring and it does not work in one direction. I may not be good in most modules but I know I am better in modules that requires us to make use of software, like AutoCAD and Revit. Even though these friends nearly made me fail an assignment before, I never refused to their call when they need help in software. Some might call me stupid but I do not understand what good would it do to me if I stay selfish and not share my knowledge. I find it ridiculous when outsiders tell me not to help them.
Like Dalai Lama said, 'If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.' I believe in passing it on and what goes around, comes around. If I do not want the same thing to happen on me, I do not do it on other people. If forking out a little of my time can bring joy or convenience to others, I would do it. Because one day in the far future, someone would be in my place and help me the same way too. If forking out a little money means less luxury for myself but bring hope for others, I would do it. Sharing is joy, there is no point being selfish and be miserable while two people can share the small happiness and be happy together. If everyone practice compassion, the world will be a happy and peaceful. In order to make everyone understand the need of compassion, I have to take the first step to influence the people around me.
Perhaps we all graduated from different schools, we think differently. Some schools produced students that are more competitive. In the first few months, I thought everyone were going to be as nice as the people I made friends with in Secondary School. As we moved on to the second year of studies and people start to compare their CGPA, they tend to drift from those that are not doing as well. Things start to happen as the assignments are due. When you consult one of these competitive friends, they might not be telling you the real answer or honest guidance for your assignment. After spending one year plus together, you realized that they are not as honest and helpful as they claimed to be. All of a sudden, no one seems to be truthful when it comes to school work. As some seniors claimed, you can trust no one but your lecturers in school.
I do not know how these people can refuse to help a friend when he/she needs help or correct them when you know they are doing things wrongly. Maybe it is a good thing that I cannot bring myself to do such things. I know I am not the only one who thinks and feel that way, that is why I try to share with anyone if I can. Sharing is caring and it does not work in one direction. I may not be good in most modules but I know I am better in modules that requires us to make use of software, like AutoCAD and Revit. Even though these friends nearly made me fail an assignment before, I never refused to their call when they need help in software. Some might call me stupid but I do not understand what good would it do to me if I stay selfish and not share my knowledge. I find it ridiculous when outsiders tell me not to help them.
Like Dalai Lama said, 'If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.' I believe in passing it on and what goes around, comes around. If I do not want the same thing to happen on me, I do not do it on other people. If forking out a little of my time can bring joy or convenience to others, I would do it. Because one day in the far future, someone would be in my place and help me the same way too. If forking out a little money means less luxury for myself but bring hope for others, I would do it. Sharing is joy, there is no point being selfish and be miserable while two people can share the small happiness and be happy together. If everyone practice compassion, the world will be a happy and peaceful. In order to make everyone understand the need of compassion, I have to take the first step to influence the people around me.
Monday, 7 October 2013
Fuck you bitches, I'm not your dog.
If you think you can control me by screaming and hurling vulgarities in different languages, you are fking wrong.
I dont grow up in the kampung and i'm born with a natural smart brain that learns from my surrounding and grow with them.
At the age of 4, i learnt how to scold people to eat shit in cantonese.
At the age of 9, i learnt how to scold people with cheebye, knn, lj all these.
Who taught me?
You, your malaysia's family and your son.
Why am i not surprised.
You, the mother, is the one who scold me not to cock jiao wei when i'm silently helping you to set table for dinner.
Harp on it? No, i dont.
I'm just learning from you to rake up the past and bring as the current example.
Well, you did it twice in the past two months.
Want to list more?
Dont bother caring for me now when i'm in poly, because it wont show how good you are as a mother.
You, are the one who encourage and wants me to go ITE when i can make it to poly.
You, are the one who kept cursing me and asking why am i still in Express and not NA.
You, are the one who cut my allowance and make me work to spend every fucking cent. Oh and, without letting my dad knows what you are doing.
Let's do some recap alright, love?
When i was 11, i casually asked my neighbour that is a year younger than me.
'have you imagined how it feels like to jump off the building from our level (11)? I think it feels fun, maybe i'ld try one day.'
the next day, i got a fking scolding and beating for that question.
Have you not thought of why did i feel like jumping? For fun? Please. I know the ending.
I was never happy in this family, except that one day we went to the Singtel Fair as a family, oh and without my brother.
That was the only day i was happy, the only memory i have. Only positive memory.
When i was 12, i pierced staplers onto my finger tips and enjoy the thrill of it.
When i was 14, i start cutting myself. Not slit, but cut. It's just like scratches that leaves a little swollen line. I started to eat panadols because i'm bored.
When i was 15, i started to drink cough mixture and go damn high crazy.
When i was 16, i started slitting myself. I even attempted to collect a bottle of blood. I had a collection of penknives. My cough mixture dosage went even higher, so did my wide variety of pills.
I started drinking hard liqour and drunk. Fucking drunk, hahahaha!
I did all these not for the sake of fun, because i feel hurt and i can't voice.
I got no stand, no voice. I'm like a mistake in their life, like a burden.
There was once when my dad came in and wake me up, he saw the cuts on my wrist and asked if my mum did that to me. Why would he think that way, you think about it.
There's nothing much for me to say.
My temper is bad, but hers is worse.
I know the difference between right and wrong, perhaps she dont.
We dont talk about the past, we talk about the present.
You know what, forget it.
I'm back to cutting, drinking and overdosing.
Whatever.
Fuck it.
Caitlin
I dont grow up in the kampung and i'm born with a natural smart brain that learns from my surrounding and grow with them.
At the age of 4, i learnt how to scold people to eat shit in cantonese.
At the age of 9, i learnt how to scold people with cheebye, knn, lj all these.
Who taught me?
You, your malaysia's family and your son.
Why am i not surprised.
You, the mother, is the one who scold me not to cock jiao wei when i'm silently helping you to set table for dinner.
Harp on it? No, i dont.
I'm just learning from you to rake up the past and bring as the current example.
Well, you did it twice in the past two months.
Want to list more?
Dont bother caring for me now when i'm in poly, because it wont show how good you are as a mother.
You, are the one who encourage and wants me to go ITE when i can make it to poly.
You, are the one who kept cursing me and asking why am i still in Express and not NA.
You, are the one who cut my allowance and make me work to spend every fucking cent. Oh and, without letting my dad knows what you are doing.
Let's do some recap alright, love?
When i was 11, i casually asked my neighbour that is a year younger than me.
'have you imagined how it feels like to jump off the building from our level (11)? I think it feels fun, maybe i'ld try one day.'
the next day, i got a fking scolding and beating for that question.
Have you not thought of why did i feel like jumping? For fun? Please. I know the ending.
I was never happy in this family, except that one day we went to the Singtel Fair as a family, oh and without my brother.
That was the only day i was happy, the only memory i have. Only positive memory.
When i was 12, i pierced staplers onto my finger tips and enjoy the thrill of it.
When i was 14, i start cutting myself. Not slit, but cut. It's just like scratches that leaves a little swollen line. I started to eat panadols because i'm bored.
When i was 15, i started to drink cough mixture and go damn high crazy.
When i was 16, i started slitting myself. I even attempted to collect a bottle of blood. I had a collection of penknives. My cough mixture dosage went even higher, so did my wide variety of pills.
I started drinking hard liqour and drunk. Fucking drunk, hahahaha!
I did all these not for the sake of fun, because i feel hurt and i can't voice.
I got no stand, no voice. I'm like a mistake in their life, like a burden.
There was once when my dad came in and wake me up, he saw the cuts on my wrist and asked if my mum did that to me. Why would he think that way, you think about it.
There's nothing much for me to say.
My temper is bad, but hers is worse.
I know the difference between right and wrong, perhaps she dont.
We dont talk about the past, we talk about the present.
You know what, forget it.
I'm back to cutting, drinking and overdosing.
Whatever.
Fuck it.
Caitlin
Friday, 30 August 2013
Bestfriend's Away till End of Dec
Time is a really scary thing when you grow up.
Once you hit sweet 16, legal 18 and royal 21..the time just fly faster and faster.
Too fast for you to stop and take a breath.
Just came back from sending my best friend to the airport, suddenly the thoughts came rushing to me.
12 years of friendship, i never realised how much she actually mean to me until today.
She'll be away for four months, i guess i'ld miss her very much.
Just like what people say, you'll never know what you have until you lose it.
I'm glad i'm not losing our friendship but just putting it on long distance.
She is someone who understands me on the back of her hands, and she's the only one that would scold me and i would listen.
We've been through thick and thin together, even went overseas together.
We ran to school while eating our shark fin soup from pasar malam,
We chew gummy bears' head off while complaining about people who pissed us off,
We got through quizzes, tests, exams and graduations together.
Looking back, it's as though we have just completed Primary school.
In 6 months' time, we would be graduating from our respective polytechnics.
Maybe we'll make it to Uni together and work force together too, just maybe.
Hope everything goes smoothly for her in Korea, stay warm and stay safe my dear. <3
Caitlin
Once you hit sweet 16, legal 18 and royal 21..the time just fly faster and faster.
Too fast for you to stop and take a breath.
Just came back from sending my best friend to the airport, suddenly the thoughts came rushing to me.
12 years of friendship, i never realised how much she actually mean to me until today.
She'll be away for four months, i guess i'ld miss her very much.
Just like what people say, you'll never know what you have until you lose it.
I'm glad i'm not losing our friendship but just putting it on long distance.
She is someone who understands me on the back of her hands, and she's the only one that would scold me and i would listen.
We've been through thick and thin together, even went overseas together.
We ran to school while eating our shark fin soup from pasar malam,
We chew gummy bears' head off while complaining about people who pissed us off,
We got through quizzes, tests, exams and graduations together.
Looking back, it's as though we have just completed Primary school.
In 6 months' time, we would be graduating from our respective polytechnics.
Maybe we'll make it to Uni together and work force together too, just maybe.
Hope everything goes smoothly for her in Korea, stay warm and stay safe my dear. <3
Caitlin
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