Because i'm an emotional person, things affect me easily.
I feel a pang of jealousy whenever i hear the notifications..
it's not that i like him, but i just feel as though he's no longer the friend i used to hang out with..
and it all started this year.
if you dont believe in fortune telling, then this post would make no sense to you.
this year, this friday, i have a vday dinner date.
I dont like the guy romantically, but at the same time, i also dont know if he asked me out for a platonic dinner or as a target. but wadeva it is.. it's the first time i'm celebrating vday since the break up three years ago.. i guess i'm making an improvement?
i'm no longer the happy-go-lucky person i used to be.
i dont like my current self, i'm no diff from sch sch times.
i feel like though im going through the same phase again.
trapped in the darkness, trapped in my emotional world.
i'm trapped.
i dont feel like conversing, i dont feel like interacting, i dont feel like talking.
i'm no longer the social butterfly ppl call me.
come to think of it, when i was a social butterfly.. did i neglect my friends?
or was i just interacting with everyone that i do not know..
is that who i am.
end of the day, who do i rely on.
i'm like a lost ship that do not have a space at the harbour.
i feel no pain.
i feel the numbness.
i drink not for the joy, i drink for the effect.
the numb feeling, even the fingers are numb.
my heart is numb, my brain is numb.
i think of nothing but the current issues, which is to drink, have fun and have fun.
when the blade slides through the skin, you feel not the pain.. but the excitement of life.
that is the advantage of drinking..
i know i will regret drinking when i wake up tmr, i know i will regret cutting now.
but you will never know what you will do when you are alone and has nowhere to turn to.
dont tell me you are there for me..
if i know you are there for me, but i chose not to turn to you.. it means i do not trust you enough to confide to you.
make sense?
I trust easily, but one thing you do will make me lose all my trust.
just one issue is enough.
call me judgmental but that's how i am.
if you know i really trust you but i do not confide in you, it means i do not want to hurt you.
i rather suffer alone than to bring my loved ones down with me.
loves,
caitlin
